How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
