that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
