I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
