I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
