I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
