Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
