youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
