If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
