I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
