How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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