i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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