I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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