Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
