I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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