Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
