i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
