I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
