Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
