That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
