I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
