it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
