I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
