Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
