Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
