Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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