He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
