He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
