Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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