shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I want you more than these girls want KFC
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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