Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
