I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
