I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i think i have two assholes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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