my sisters under your porch take her home
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
