Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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