Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
