her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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