This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
