ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
