Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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