Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
