my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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