My room smells like vodka and shame
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
