How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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