Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
