he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's always time for handjobs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
