There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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