used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
