saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
