remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
