so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Blood and glitter go together right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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