For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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