im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
