Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
