hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
