you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
