I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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